No one considers how hard it can be to be the unicorn. I know from experience, I was that unicorn for a few crazy months. While I was treated like a commodity and people were really excited to talk to me, my needs were almost totally overlooked. I felt both revered and resented. This is a little rant about my time as a unicorn and what I learned from it.
I had no idea what I was doing or where to start. This was a few years ago, before the Feeld (previously 3ndr) app came about or OkCupid was flooded with couples looking for bisexual women to fulfill their threesome fantasy. The desire for a threesome was still something couples shared in private.
I turned to the website Reddit, specifically the sex subreddit, which is a forum on which users can ask questions related to sex. I asked something to the effect of “I’m a woman looking for a couple to join for a threesome. How do I go about it safely?” I received exactly one response, which directed me to Fetlife.
As I came to discover, Fetlife is mainly a community for the BDSM crowd. It’s more like a Facebook for those into BDSM and nothing like a dating site; although, as I was to discover, I would receive messages from plenty of men wanting to be my “dom.”
I uploaded naked, headless photos of myself, like everyone else on the site, and wrote something wishy washy expanding on my desire to explore my bisexuality with a couple. And then, I was stuck. It wasn’t a dating site, so how was I supposed to reach out to couples?
Eventually, I found the groups and specifically, the local threeway group. I don’t remember exactly what I posted. I’m pretty sure I posted something about looking for a couple with a bisexual female and wanting to be friends with benefits. I might have said something about not being polyamorous. And then, I waited for the replies.
I was so naive. I thought it would be easy to meet a couple I clicked with. After all, I was so rare and I received a ton of a responses to my post. Everyone seemed so overjoyed to find a third. And yet, it took months before I would actually meet a couple.
When I was contacted by the female half of the couple, 99% of the time, she would say she was acting at the direction of her Sir. This was Fetlife after all. Most of the couples who contacted me were in dom/sub relationships, with the female being the sub. When the woman would act as if she were acting solely at the direction of her man, I wondered if she really wanted to do or not. Plus, it was generally a turn off. I wanted all parties to be treated equally. I didn’t want to treat the man as our master and act at his direction.
Some couples forgot I was a person with my own wants and needs. They’d contact me as if they were ordering off the value menu and just assumed I’d show up at their house because they’d sent me one message requesting I do so. Some couples gave me a big list of dos and don’ts. “You will be into this.” “You will not do this.” “This will be for one night only.” They basically wanted a sex toy, not a person with her own desires and needs. What they really needed was a prostitute.
The most frustrating couples were the ones who claimed to never have a free moment to meet me. For months. They’d continue to text me like we were best friends while having excuses why they couldn’t meet me. These were couples who I felt like I had established a relationship with over text, or enough of a relationship that I felt too bad to issue the ultimatum of “we have to meet or I’m going to move on.” I struggled to stand up for what I wanted.
Being a people pleaser made it difficult for me to narrow my search down to the right couple. I found myself molding my own desires to fit theirs. I started doing what was asked of me rather than standing up for myself. I wanted too much to be liked. I specifically said I was not polyamorous and wanted something very casual. Couples lured me in and then wanted me to go on separate dates with them and be exclusive with them. I wasn’t looking to form a perfect triad and I didn’t want to foreclose finding a mate of my own. I thought it was incredibly selfish for a couple to want to be exclusive with me when we could only see each other every other weekend. I wanted my own little happy home to go home too. I also didn’t feel it necessary to date the couple separately as well as together. I felt like I was constantly auditioning for a relationship style I didn’t want.
I reluctantly agreed to meet only one couple separately, only because I had been texting with the male for months and I had met the couple briefly and liked them. After meeting him, he wanted me to hang out with his wife separately and told me to set something up with her. I texted his wife to set a date and received a one word, dismissive response. I thought, “Why am I going out of my way to please a couple who set aside about 30 minutes to meet me after talking to me for two months and the wife doesn’t even seem all that interested?”
Couples who string along a woman for months with most of the communication being with the male don’t realize that the unicorn forms an attachment with the man. With the couple I described above, I built up a connection with the male that I didn’t have with the female. He, like most men, tended to be sexual in his correspondence, which caused me to envision him sexually without thinking of his wife. I couldn’t help it. When I met his wife, I only saw her briefly and then continued communicating with her husband. She almost seemed like an intruder. I had to refocus my mind to remember that they were a couple.
I ultimately hooked up with just one couple. There were important differences between how that couple approached me and how all the other couples had approached me: the female contacted me and actually made time to meet me. She was in a dom/sub relationship, but made it clear she was doing it because she wanted to. They didn’t make me jump through a bunch of hoops to prove myself. They made me feel like I was wanted and not the last item on their priority list.
I realize that by writing this I may scare off anyone considering becoming a unicorn. You can make it work as long as you stick with what you want. Here are a few tips based on my own experiences:
- Be clear about what you want and stick with it. If you want a polyamorous relationship, tell them as much. If you just want something casual, tell them. Don’t let them steer you toward the relationship they want.
- If someone cannot make time to meet you within a reasonable time period, they aren’t placing any importance on a relationship with you. They’re also wasting your time by stringing you along when you could be meeting couples who will make time for you. Your time is as valuable as theirs.
- Don’t be so worried about what people think of you that you go along with something you don’t want. You often feel like you’re on a never ending audition. You find yourself wanting to pass the test. If they are asking too much of you, stop seeing them.
- Depending on the relationship style you want, go to meet and greets or munches, as they are often called. There are swinger meet and greets, poly meet and greets, BDSM meet and greets. You won’t waste your time with the “never meets” and you can gage whether you have any chemistry with the couple.