Marcus is feeling better about the reunion. He’s been putting on a quite a show in the bedroom almost every night since I told him about the reunion. He’s confident that his mastery of all sexual skills will keep me from wanting Blake. And I’ve told him almost every night that he’s the best I’ve ever had. I’ve managed to convince him that I want to rub Blake’s face in my happiness. It wasn’t a difficult feat. He wants to believe me. Hell, I want to believe me.
But sex isn’t enough. It’s not that Marcus doesn’t keep me satisfied in the bedroom. Marcus does have skills, but he’s demanding and he’s rough and he keeps sex completely separate from romance. I do like when he manhandles me and I love begging him for mercy, but I’d also like to make love every once in awhile. With Blake, sex was often an expression of our love. Sometimes, I feel like Marcus and I are just sex. Or maybe I’m just trying to find a weakness in our relationship so I can justify fantasizing about Blake.
Justified or not, my mind keeps wandering back to Blake. I’m remembering what romance truly is. Although, admittedly, a lot of the romantic memories I have of Blake stem from how dysfunctional our relationship was after we went to college. Blake would come running to me both when I really needed and when he really should’ve stayed away and let me move on with my life. But it was exciting every time he came back into my life. There was the romantic angst of being torn between knowing we shouldn’t get together but really wanting to. The anticipation of the inevitable. The fireworks caused by the first kiss. Marcus and I have the boredom of consistency.
I realize I’m not being fair and I tell myself that it’s okay to remember and daydream. It’s perfectly harmless as long as I don’t act on it.
And so I allow myself to remember. I remember the summer after my first year of college. Back at home, hanging out at Blake’s best friend’s house, a guy who had also become my best friend, anxiously awaiting Blake’s arrival, and trying seem like I didn’t care. But, everyone knew I did.
When Blake did arrive and I saw him for the first time in months, I got butterflies. My heart pounded. I felt a combination of nervousness and anxiety. Of course, Blake wanted a hug. I avoided getting too close to him when I hugged him, afraid he’d feel my heart beating against his chest.
He was beautiful. Tall, with light blue eyes hiding under heavy, dark brows. He had a mess of blonde, curly hair that reached his shoulders. And dimples that showed themselves every time he smiled.
I soon loosened up thanks to alcohol and weed. I’d smile when I caught him looking at me, the alcohol making me feel cocky. Blake would return my smile. I could see the laughter in his eyes. Everyone else rolled their eyes, knowing what was going to happen.
I heard the wind blowing through the trees outside. The sky had begun to cloud over.
“I love the weather before a storm!” I exclaimed suddenly, “I’m going outside!”
“I’m coming with you,” Blake said.
“Anyone else want to come?” I asked, the excitement evident in my voice.
I didn’t wait for Blake, ran outside and into the woods behind the house. Blake caught up with me as I reached the bridge that ran over a small creek. He scooped me up and twirled me around.
“You’re such a loser!” I said.
“Who’s a loser?”
“Umm, I believe you are.”
“Turn around and say it to my face.”
I turned around, smiling, ready to confront him, but he wasn’t playing anymore. His expression was serious, his eyes full of desire. My smile faded. I forgot what to say.
He took a step closer to me. I felt his hands on my hips. I remembered. “You’re such a loser,” I said quietly.
He traced the contour of my face with his finger. “I missed you so much Lana.”
“No you didn’t. Don’t say that.” I wanted him to miss me. I wanted things to be like they once were.
“You didn’t miss me?”
“I couldn’t miss you. I had to move on with my life. I have a boyfriend. I have to stay faithful. You need to stay faithful too.”
“I broke up with my girlfriend.”
“I can’t do this.” But I wanted to.
He brushed his nose against mine. His lips softly touched mine. My heart soared.
I whispered against his lips, “Please don’t Blake.”
But, I wanted him so badly. I couldn’t help myself. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he kissed me deeply.
He leaned his forehead against mine. He brushed my hair back with his hands. “What are we going to do?”
We kissed again, passionately, until we heard kids’ voices approaching. We stopped and smiled at each other. The wind rushed through the tops of the trees. I twirled around, arms outstretched, catching the wind. Enjoying the high from being with him.
He smiled. “You’re such a hippie.”
The kids saw us and quieted as they passed. As soon as they turned the corner, Blake picked me up under my shoulders, and spun me as fast as he could. My legs lifted off the ground.
I laughed. “Stop, you’re going to make me dizzy.”
He put me down. “Is everything spinning?”
“Try walking then.”
I teetered. He held onto me. He turned his head so that his nose touched my neck. The first raindrops began to fall. He kissed the top of my head. “Do you want to go your house now?” he asked.
We walked silently. I was nervous. We didn’t speak as we walked into my house. He followed me silently as I led him up the stairs to my bedroom.
Once inside, I touched his stomach, keeping my head down, suddenly feeling very shy, afraid of revealing the intensity of my feelings for him.
He lifted my chin, cradled my head in his hands, forcing me to look at him. He spoke softly, “I love you.”
He didn’t give me a chance to respond. He tightened his grip on me, clinching my hair in his fists. He tilted my head back and kissed me as deeply as he could.
My hands moved up his back. I felt only an overwhelming need for him. I could think of nothing else.
He continued kissing me until he heard me whimper. He lifted his head, but didn’t release me. Under heavy breath, he said, “I need you.”
“Blake…” I replied, in a small, scared voice.
He let go of my hair, lifted my arms and placed them on his shoulders. I wrapped my arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close.
I pulled his neck down and kissed him with wild desperation. I felt his hands unbuttoning and unzipping my shorts, pulling them down. They feel to the floor.
I stopped kissing him and pushed him away. I took off my shirt, pulled my bra up, stepped out of my shorts. “I need you too.”
He threw me onto the bed and hurriedly worked to expose himself.
“No,” I said, “I want you naked. I want to feel you against me.”
He hurried to take off his clothes. He ran his fingers along my stomach and up to my breasts. I whimpered and arched my back as he reached my nipples.
He spread my legs. “You still have your panties.”
“Take them off. Hurry.”
He pulled my panties down, spread my legs and slowly slipped inside me.
“Goddamnit Blake, fuck me now.”
He did as he was told. He kissed my neck as he listened to me scream his name. He remembered how to pull my trigger and did it quickly. My body shook uncontrollable until I yelled, “Oh my god” and experienced an unbelievable strong orgasm. Blake lasted about thirty more seconds before collapsing on top of me.
He spoke first. “You belong to me now okay? You’re my girlfriend in every way. No hiding, no taking it slow, no other boyfriend.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
He kissed me gently. “I love you Lana.”
“I love you too.”
Despite everything we said to each other, our relationship ended when we got back to school. I went back to my boyfriend. He found someone new. But, I don’t blame him. I was as guilty as he was that time.
I’m afraid Blake and I will fall back into old habits when we see each other again. I kind of want to.
To help me sort things through, I invited my girlfriends over last night. We didn’t go to the same high school, but we went to high school at the same time. We drank too many bottles of wine and listened to music that was popular when we were in school.
I had forgotten how much I loved Alanis Morrisette. My girlfriends and I drunkenly sang along to “One in My Pocket” and the lyrics seemed particularly relevant in my intoxicated state of mind:
And what it boils down to
Is that no one’s got it figured out just yet
‘cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano.
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
‘cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other is hailing a taxi cab.
As silly, and maybe ridiculous, as it sounds, I feel like everything will be fine. Of course, that could all go out the window when