It started as a rant to my boyfriend and became a column.
Site is down, so here is the full text:
I’ve been accused of only writing for women. This is probably a direct consequence of being a woman. Well, in this column, I’m going to help all you men by instructing you on the correct way to treat your woman in the bedroom and as a result, get the kind of sex you want.
Women are pleasers. We want to make you happy. We really do. We read Cosmo for sex advice, listen to our friends, and pay acute attention to any other source of sex advice. The following is a guide, which, if used correctly, will bring out your woman’s natural desire to please you:
1. Don’t act indignant when it comes to requesting a specific act be performed. For instance, don’t adopt an accusatory tone and say, “I like it when you tell me you’re about to come, but you never do.” Assume we are not purposefully holding back and that we want to please you. Instead of accusing us, say something like, “It’d really turn me on if you’d let me know when you’re about to come.”
2. Don’t judge a woman based upon her first few performances in bed. A lot of women don’t want to appear slutty. Women generally let the freak out a little bit at a time. Don’t try to rush it.
3. Women generally like to be guided into freaky acts, especially in the beginning. That’s not to say we’re necessarily submissive. We just don’t like to be the initiators of freakiness in the beginning of a relationship. We like to follow your lead. Don’t worry, if we don’t want to do something, we’ll be sure to let you know.
4. Don’t talk about your past sexual experiences, and for the love of all that is holy, do not compare your woman to women you’ve had sex with in the past. You’re not going to get a woman to agree to a threesome by talking about how great it was when you and your ex-girlfriend had one. Instead, you’re pretty much going to guarantee she’s never going to do it.
5. Assume your woman has had some bad advice. The thing she did in bed that left you scratching your head probably came from Cosmo or some know-it-all friend. Pick up a copy of Cosmo sometime and read the advice in there. It’s absolutely horrible. You can fix this by encouraging her to do the things you like and following the advice in No. 6.
6. Women are very sensitive creatures. If she does something you don’t like, don’t say something like, “What the hell are you doing?” Instead, gently guide her in the right direction. Say something like, “I’d rather you do this.”
7. Also assume that your woman has been brainwashed by some other man. He has violated rule No. 1 and now she assumes every man likes the same thing, because he acted like his way was the only way. Don’t worry. You can correct this by correctly implementing these guidelines.
8. Don’t assume the type of porn she likes dictates what she likes in bed. I hear this all the time. It usually goes something like this, “I found out my girlfriend loves interracial porn, but she’s white and I’m white. She claims she is satisfied with me and doesn’t need a black man, but I think she secretly wants one.” People’s choice in porn defies logic. Don’t make it an issue. It’s not necessary.
9. If we don’t want to do something, badgering us isn’t going to get us to do it. We’re actually more likely not to do it. Don’t badger us and we may surprise you by agreeing to do it later on.
10. Praise us for the things we do well. We love the encouragement and it will make it easier to talk to us about the things you don’t like.
11. Communication is key. Never be afraid to talk to us about sex. We love to talk. We want to know what you’re thinking. Just don’t violate any of the above rules during your conversation.
That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. I hope someone finds this guide useful and some woman benefits from it.